Shame on me for gorging myself on baked beans. My poor colon doesn't know what to do with the sudden intake of fiber.

I wouldn't have had oatmeal with bananas this morning or had popcorn for a snack if if I'd anticipated craving beans this evening. Too much unannounced fiber is wreaking havoc on my insides.

Sheesh. I'm sure it's good to clean out the ol' intestines every now and then...but is there any way besides this? And what causes one to crave beans of all things anyway??

*rumbling from deep within* Ugh. Excuse me. I think I need to skip to my loo.

Me: Excuse me (pausing to look at nametag), Loretta.

Loretta: Yeah?

Me: I’m looking for sponges. Do you know where I could find them?

Loretta: You want the plain kind or the kind with the gunk in ‘em?

Me: Well, I guess whatever is closest. I do like the kind with the antibacterial stuff already in it, but it doesn’t really matter. I don’t mind using the antibacterial stuff along with them.

Loretta: Antibacterial? Well, you’ll have to use somethin’ different. The FDA banned those antibacterial kind. We don’t carry the antibacterial sponges any more. Walgreen’s does, though.

Me: The FDA banned antibacterial sponges? Really? Well, I don’t want to go to Walgreen’s--they’re not that important to me. How about the plain ones? Where are those?

Loretta: Go that way *pointing the opposite way from housewares* and ask someone over there. That ain’t my department.

Me: Um, that’s the pharmacy. Are you sure the sponges aren’t over by the kitchen cleaners?

Loretta: No, child. The sponges with the antibacterial kind were recalled, but the plain ones is over in the pharmacy.

Me: Um, I’m not sure I’m communicating effectively. Thanks for your help, but I’ll just keep looking for someone in housewares.

Loretta: Hang on, girl. What kind of sponges you after? I thought you wanted the antibacterial kind.

Me: Well, I do, but, see, I have a coupon for the Scotch-Brite kind, so I was going to get some of those. Or whatever is cheapest. I don’t really care anymore.

Loretta: OH! You mean you need KITCHEN sponges!?! I thought you needed birth control! Why you need the antibacterial sponges if you're cleanin' your kitchen?

It was at that moment that I realized our misunderstanding. Loretta thought I was looking for contraception. She confused the word “antibacterial” with “spermicidal.”

Sheesh. Poor woman. She must’ve thought I was really desperate because I was getting so impatient with her! I keep thinking that maybe I did something to mislead her, but I checked myself. I was not dressed like a floozy, hanging on the arm of a rugged gentleman, or filling my cart with lingerie. I mean, I was in HOUSEWARES, for pete’s sake! I really don’t think I’m the one at fault here!

So, Loretta, if you’re reading this, I recommend you educate yourself a little more thoroughly on the differences between the varieties of sponges you carry in your store. It may have been an honest mistake (maybe?), but please don’t let it happen again. I think I’m still blushing from the whole experience.

And wouldn’t you know, I forgot to get those dang sponges after all?!?!

Both times I walked up to the store, said hello to the bellringer, and said that I'd be right out with some money for them. Both times I did my shopping and left clutching a few dollars in my little fist. Both times I came out of the exit, only to find the bellringers having finished their shift. The only evidence they were there was a sign that said Support the Salvation Army. And I was only in the store for five minutes each time!!

So I'm two for two. Do you think it's a sign that maybe I'm not supposed to be giving to charity??

In other randomness, my local Kroger (not to be confused with the experiences from my former Kroger) is remodeling. While I appreciate the future upgrades, the employees do need some guidance in proper store arrangement. Tonight the PastaRoni was right next to the Summer's Eve feminine deodorant spray (link intentionally omitted--you can find it yourself!). Now really...who wants to shop for side dishes and personal cleansing products in such close proximity??

An ER doctor from Vanderbilt's Medical Center is this season's bachelor.

I don't know Travis Stork (I've been lucky enough to avoid the emergency room, though I did sit in the waiting room to get my ankle x-rayed earlier this year), but he looks pretty hunky in his pictures.

Would it be considered stalking if I looked him up in the campus directory and called him? Or sent him something through campus mail? Or I bet I could send him an email--the system wouldn't label it as spam if it came from my campus address...

Maybe I could somehow twist that ankle again and earn a trip over to the ER. Nah...that might be a bit too conspicuous. Plus, knowing my luck, I'd end up with some scary doctor instead.

If you want to know more, you can read the article in one of the campus newspapers:
http://www.vanderbilthustler.com/vnews/display.v/ART/2005/12/01/438e1524cbd63

When you dig out 10 nickels to put in the parking meter and every single nickel was minted after your birth.

Every stupid nickel was post-1979.

All this and some stray gray hairs too. Growing older is no fun.

As Boomhauer would say: Them dang ol' dang nickels, man, like 1994, man, younger than dang ol' me. It's like them dang ol' octogenarians, man, them dang ol', dang ol' almost dead, man.

Because I've fallen into a rut of posting song lyrics (and no, it's not a lack of imagination...just a temporary lapse of creativity), here's a song that sums up many of the things I'm thankful for.

Happy Thanksgiving, everyone.

There's nothing like the warmth of a summer afternoon
Walking to the sunlight, and being cradled by the moon
Catching fireflies at night
Building castles in the sand
Kissing Mama's face goodnight
And holding Daddy's hand
Thank you Lord, how could I ask for more?

Running barefoot through the grass
A little hide and go seek
Being so in love that you can hardly eat
Dancing in the dark when there's no one else around
Being bundled 'neath the covers, watching snow
Fall to the ground
Thank you Lord, how could I ask for more?

So many things I thought would bring me happiness
Some dreams that are realities today
Such an irony the things that mean the most to me
Are the memories that I've made along the way

So if there's anything I've learned
From this journey I am on
Simple truths will keep you going
Simple love will keep you strong.
Cause there are questions without answers, and
Flames that never die.
The heartaches we go through are often blessings in disguise
So thank you Lord,
How could I ask for more?

I guess I have bad study skills--the TV is always on at a low level even whenever I'm writing a paper. Even though I haven't spent a great deal of time actually watching the TV lately, I have still made some random observations:

--Michael Flatley appeared on an old episode of To Tell the Truth on the Game Show Network. I couldn't help but laugh because the show was taped long before his "Lord of the Dance" days. He was on the show as the world's fastest tap dancer. I will admit, his dancing was impressive. Nevertheless, I kept giggling throughout the segment because I knew nobody during the taping of the show had any idea of how famous he would become (and how many people would poke fun at him!). It just struck me as funny. I guess if you want a more positive (sans giggling) review of Michael Flatley, check out his personal website. Otherwise, just giggle with me at the thought of him on a TV game show and move on.

--An episode of "Good Times" last night on TV Land really made me laugh. Thelma was in love with a man from Nigeria she met at college and was determined to marry him and move back to Nigeria with him. The clincher was that her beau's name was Ebay. I'm sure it was spelled more like "Ibe" or something, but it was pronounced e-bay. So then everytime Thelma said something about Ebay, it could be interpreted completely differently with today's Ebay obsession. She said things like, "But I love Ebay!" and "I want to spend all my time with Ebay," and "Ebay makes me happy!" and "I don't think I can live without Ebay!" Thelma was always ahead of her times, but she was ahead by 25 years this time! Good ol' Thelma. What can I say? (by the way, those of you who watch Good Times must've caught JJ's catchphrase here and in the title!)

--I think the drill sergeant on the new Tide to Go commercial sounds uncannily like Bill Dauterive on King of the Hill.

And that's it for now. Feel free to leave any random TV observations you've made in the comments...

I will certainly post if anything interesting happens (like if my next visit to the laundromat is exciting), but I am a little preoccupied with other things right now. So, if you're a visitor, welcome and I hope you come back despite my lackluster posting lately. If you're a regular Inkblots reader, please have patience with me.

During my blogging hiatus (at least, until something interesting happens in my life), enjoy browsing through the archives. To get you started, I can recommend a few of my more popular posts:
--Learn about the profound discovery I made regarding the relationship between the Swiffer and maxi pads.
--Maybe you'd be interested in reading how Waffle Houses can be used as navigational tools.
--Or, have fun with one of my fascinations: names. Check out my encounters with Takeela, Mullet, or Elmira.

One of my favorite songs is below. Its lyrics describe how I feel this time of the semester...

The Chasing Song, performed by Andrew Peterson
Now and then these feet just take to wandering
Now and then I prop them up at home
Sometimes I think about the consequences
Sometimes I don't

Well, I realize that falling down ain't graceful
But I thank the Lord that falling's full of grace
Sometimes I take my eyes off Jesus
And you know that's all it takes

Well, I wish that I could say that at the close of every day
I was happy with the way that I'm behaving

'Cause Job, he chased an answer
The wise men chased the Child
Jacob chased her fourteen years
And he captured Rachel's smile
And Moses chased the Promised Land
Joseph chased a dream
David, he chased God's own heart
All I ever seem to chase is me

Well, they say a race can only have one winner
And you know you've got to pull out front to win
God knows the only time I'm winning
Is when I'm chasing Him

So, I wish that I could say that at the close of every day
I was happy with the way that I'm behaving

'Cause Samson chased a woman
And he chased the Phillistines
I'm not quite sure what Jonah chased
But I know he caught the sea
And Cain, he chased the harvest
While Abel chased the beasts
David, he chased God's own heart
All I ever seem to chase is me

And Jesus chased the money men
And He chased His Father's will
He chased my sin to Calvary
And He caught it on that hill
And Saul, he chased the Christians
'Til his blindness made him see
David, he chased God's own heart
All I ever seem to chase is me

Knock knock!
Who's there?
General Lee.
General Lee who?
General Lee I don't tell knock knock jokes, but I couldn't resist sharing some on National Knock Knock Day.

Knock knock!
Who's there?
Sarah.
Sarah who?
Sarah reason you're not laughing at my stupidity?

Knock knock!
Who's there?
Albie.
Albie who?
Albie durn, this is stupider than I thought.

Knock knock!
Who's there?
Dismay.
Dismay who?
Dismay not be as funny of a post as I'd wanted, OK? Get over it!

Knock knock!
Who's there?
Anna.
Anna who?
Anna body know of any better knock knock jokes than me?

Please share some better jokes so I can restore the dignified knock knock holiday to its intended splendor!

(I actually had a knock knock Halloween related cartoon, but the flashing punkins make me giggle every time!)

I nearly got broadsided today near Music Row (the music recording studios) by a stretch limousine that ran a red stoplight.

Ordinarily, I suspect one's first thought in a near-accident is something like, "Oh my gosh, that was a close one! I'm lucky I was able to swerve!" or even "What kind of moron runs a stoplight when it's clearly red?" Instead, the first thing that came to my mind was, "What if Reba McIntire is in that limo? What if I am in an accident that kills a country music star? Would people hate me forever for taking away their idol?"

Sheesh. You know you've been in Nashville too long when you're more concerned about being in an accident that injures a country music star than you are about your own safety.

I'm asking for anything from here. I'm particularly fond of the Freudian slippers, though I think I would be equally delighted with just about everything. Except maybe the backwards clock. I think that would stretch my brain to a painful level.

I will be eagerly anticipating my presents.

Last night, though, I did find myself with my panties in a knot--literally.

I was dog-sitting. As I usually do when I'm house-sitting, I took over my laundry (it saves money for me and also saves me from a trip to the scary laundromat). I threw in a load of what I thought was just jeans and t-shirts.

When I went back to transfer everything to the dryer, I discovered that I could not lift any of my clothes out; they seemed to be glued to the agitator by some sort of invisible suction. I tugged...and tugged...and tugged. After an unnerving ripping sound, one pair of jeans was released from the centrifugal force within the washer. I then got a good look at what was pinning my clothes against the agitator: a lone pair of purple panties.

It seems that somehow a pair of my underwear slipped into the washer along with my jeans. Based on my limited scientific knowledge, here's what I think happened. The spinning had sucked my clothes against the agitator, then my skivvies got skewered on the agitator and ended up getting woven around my clothes. One of the seams tore at some point, because I think the ends then somehow wrapped themselves in and out of the little support things at the bottom of the agitator and ended up knotting up, essentially gluing my load of clothes to the agitator.

Even though I had discovered my problem, I still didn't have a solution to freeing my clothes that were being held hostage by a pair of torn and knotted purple panties. Without many other options, I was left to painstakingly unweave the clothes from my unmentionables, one item at a time. Finally, I got all the clothes out and was left to examine my ruined undies.

My underwear was stretched and twisted into a long rope, knotted several times, and torn beyond recognition.

After I removed the undies from their place of death, I then had another dilemma: what to do with the underwear? Since I'm at my boss's house, dare I put them in the trash can and risk him seeing them when he gets home later today? Do I wrap them in a Wal-Mart bag and take the bag outside to the trash bin and pray he doesn't wonder what the unusual Wal-Mart bag is doing in his bin when it was completely empty yesterday? Do I put them, wet, torn, and knotted, into my overnight bag and leave them there while I spend all day at work?

I wish I could describe it better, because it was definitely a sight to see. I wanted to take a picture but I didn't have my camera...and I'm not sure I want my mangled underwear displayed for all to see anyway! So...the best I can give you is a generic washing machine photo without any purple underwear:

May I extend my sincere apologies. I had no intentions of engendering a panic response in you that will require several years of intensive psychotherapy.

In my defense, however, you did not exercise prudent judgment when you kneeled down behind my (running!) car to tie your sneaker. You were honestly out of the line of sight in all my mirrors. How could you not hear my car ignition? And why would you kneel down in the middle of a parking garage anyway?

I'm sorry I made you scream. I promise that I won't tell your friends that you nearly wet yourself in your fright; the incident would have probably been my fault if it had happened so I won't tease you. Nevertheless, please use your common sense the next time your shoelace comes undone, OK?

Tonight, though, as soon as I plopped down on the couch and flipped on the TV, I saw a new one. This one literally made me gag. (I must admit, I do have an extraordinary gag reflex, but this was still pretty gross)

Has anyone seen this new one? It’s where a duck sails down the little Charmin river (as in a body of water, not a dribble from no toilet paper) and sings a little song to the bear about how using dry tissue might not be enough. He advertised the new little wet wipe things, this time for grown-ups so they don’t feel so awkward buying baby wipes. But come to think of it, is buying adult wipes with a cartoon bear on the top really any less awkward than buying baby wipes with a cartoon bear?

What was really icky, though, was when a human hand appeared with a strip of toothpaste on the back of it. The other hand wiped the toothpaste off with toilet paper (toothpaste representing, of course, well, you know). Of course, since the dry tissue merely smeared the whole mess around, it was necessary to use the wet wipey doodad. (Heh, doo. No pun intended!)

Yuck. These commercials just get more and more disgusting every day.

Now, don’t get me wrong. I taught preschool special ed. Cleaning poop was a crappy part of my job (ha! Did it again!). I don’t want the commercials about poop to be so sugar-coated and sweet, though. Just tell it like it is: Hey, folks, if you don’t get clean after a few swipes, try this wet thing!

Honestly, would all the little Southern Belles pass out if they heard something like that on TV? I would rather hear something honest like that than see little dancing bears holding hands and pooping against trees.

What’s so sad is that, now that I’ve been introduced to this whole toothpaste/poop analogy, I’m not sure I’ll be able to brush my teeth again for awhile!

Fun Fact: Did you know that the Charmin bears have names? Somehow, knowing that papa bear's name is Leonard makes everything worse!

As disgusting is the picture is...it's kind of cool at the same time. In case you haven't seen it, that's the back end of the alligator sticking out of the exploded body of the python. The rest of the python's body is in the water. Yum.

I think this is where the line "See you later, alligator" comes in.

Wrote a little poem about it:
To hungry pythons, I wrote you an ode
Don't eat gators if you don't want to explode
Your eyes are bigger than your gut
If you eat it, you're a nut
Just stick with the turtles and toads.